A Night of Solace...

       The Sun of the May was emitting scorching hot rays of heat. After the siesta, two daughters of Ammu with their Grandma, were making cow dung cakes under the soothing shade of the Acacia tree. Dadi saw someone running along the fence decorated with the sharp thorns of Acacia. It was Panditain, the lady next door and a close friend of dadi. She quickly opened the gate made up of branches and twigs, and ran under the shade to heal her sun burns away.

    “Where is Ammu?”, enquired Panditain. “I haven't seen her doing the household chores these days”.
    “That whore is sitting inside as she has blown out her tummy to give a birth to another witch”, replied Dadi.  Although Ammu's daughters were busy making cakes they did pay attention to every word that came from Dadi”. Jigna the elder daughter of Ammu understood what Dadi had said and it was nothing new for her. Sneha wondered what the word 'Whore' mean? To quench her thirst of curiosity she whispered into Jigna's ear, “Didi, what's whore?”. “Shhh... keep quiet and don't ask much”, quipped Jigna. “Now my best bet would be to approach mummy”, Sneha wondered.
    As usual, Panditain shared various remedies like drinking ash mixed in water every morning or fasting and praying to deity Surya Dev every Sunday, in order to get a male child and Dadi listened keenly to her remedies. “I don’t know of whose sins is all this suffering coming from, that I have such an awful daughter- in- law”, complained Dadi. “Just light a lamp in the name of god every evening and all will be just fine”, consoled Panditain.
    Soon evening dropped in unaware Panditian continued to be lost in the conversation and was  surprised to see dusk approach this quick. She hurried back. Mohan and his father had returned from the fields after working hard. Mohan was Ammu's husband, who stood tall, was dark skinned and with an athletic built. He was very much sexually active that made him desirable to women. However, this did not seem to bother Ammu much. Since childhood ,She always dreamt of a man, who would love her much and take good care of her. She never craved for physical love and this was the only thing her cruel husband had to offer. But like most rural women she was stoic, suffering in silence suppressing her feelings like how awful she felt when her husband trampled her tender bosoms or when he was above her against her wish. Children never spoke to Mohan neither did Ammu except for few basic necessity. For Mohan, Ammu was just a thirst quenching machine, the thirst of sex.
    Mohan and his father sat down for dinner. The ladies of the house were allowed to eat only after they had finished. Ammu slept on an empty stomach quite often. But had let her kids eat to their fill.
    After dinner Mohan and his father sleep retreated to the Acacia tree. As Ammu was pregnant, Mohan and Ammu slept separate but Mohan never left even a single chance to forcibly suck her delicate lips or trampled her tender bosoms, thus adding to her woes. Many a times children used to see this but would ignore it as if they knew that ignoring would be the best thing to do.
    Dadi was fast asleep but not Ammu and children. Sneha was still probing for her answer and decided to ask Ammu. “Maa, What is the meaning of whore?”, asked Sneha. Startled by her question, the word 'whore' hit Ammu like a brick on her head. “Who told you this? Never repeat it. It's abusive”, bombarded Ammu. Startled by the sudden outburst from her mother, Sneha felt pretty awkward and guilty. “Dadi was calling you a whore; she herself must be a whore...before she could say anymore her innocence was gifted with a tight slap by her mother. Sneha broke down not sure, “Why mummy had slapped? Was I wrong? Dadi called mummy whore, so I called her.... What was wrong in that?”. A debate took place inside the innocent mind of the child, where she was the suspect in a trial room fighting a case with her mummy. Sneha manifested innocence on the other hand Ammu manifested rationality, more we gain experience more we tend to loose innocence. Both were right at their place, we humans many a times make few simple things more and more complex. For Ammu the slap was a  blessing in disguise for her innocent child. Both were right in their own sense.
    Everyone were asleep except Ammu, she had delved deep into an ocean of thoughts. She was gazing at the beams of moon light that seeped in through small holes in the roof which was made up of barks and twigs. She imagined them as the light at the end of tunnel. The tunnel in which she was suffocating with her daughters. Moving her hand softly over her plump belly she wished it to be a baby boy. She was not like her in-laws, for her girl or boy both were same. She was quite exhausted with the trauma which forced her to wish which made her pray for a baby boy. Boys may have tremendous physical stamina but girls are definitely the symbol of mental stamina, that helps them endure the labour pains and any other trauma they are faced with. For women sufferings and sorrows are birthright in this patriarchal society. For Ammu every step she took in her life was like walking with a pair of worn out shoes, causing unbearable pain, which she could neither remove nor stop walking. And the only thing that could provide some respite to her pain would be a baby boy. She wasn't wrong in thinking that at all still she felt hell guilty for thinking so.
    Days passed by and things were the same, dadi fowl mouthing Ammu, Mohan abusing Ammu, Sneha wondering the reason for the slap and so on. At last the wait was about to end, Ammu experienced labour pain. Dadi called Panditain and another old lady who smelled of stale tea whenever she spoke, to assist Ammu in delivering the child. A loud exhausting yell followed by the less audible cry of a baby penetrated the cow dung plastered walls of the hut and plunged into the ears of children, Mohan and his father waiting outside the house. Dadi came running out with tears of joy in her eyes screaming, “It's a boy! It's a boy!”. All rejoiced as soon as the word 'boy' hit their ears.
    Finally Ammu heaved a sigh of relief. Though after every labour she did heave a sigh of relief but this one was a complete and this one was more fulfilling than the others.
    Later that night Ammu for the first time after she married, was offered to eat with the others, still she maintained to eat only after her husband and father in law finishes their dinner. Quite exhausted Ammu lay down peacefully this night. Her life had suddenly taken a turn towards a beautiful and splendid place.
    Her thoughts were suddenly intervened by the cry of her child laying next to her. Turning towards him she opened her blouse and started breast feeding him. Again in the peace of night she plunged into her own ocean of thoughts. She started dreaming about her just born child- how will she beat him on his mistakes, when will he call her mummy for the first time, which school he will go, whether he will go to fields or become a clerk and so on. With all such wonderful thoughts she fell into deep slumber, with nothing much to worry about.
    Next morning when she woke up, her eyes keen, looked for the child and upfront she saw the baby had a pale face and shockingly, she noticed that the life giving breast had suffocated her child to death,while she was asleep.